TeachMe

When did it become taboo for men and women to, for lack of better words, get along with each other? You go no more than a few minutes on your timeline, and I bet you'll find a reel or post dedicated to diminishing the qualities of a man or woman. In this era, in which content is the new truth, you could develop a deep dislike for the opposite sex without experiencing these trends in real time. This was not common practice “back in the day”.  Even with a lack of mental health services, that old school love had a little more patience and gentleness in it. Of course, grandma and grandpa argued, but they didn't have a social platform to spew out their issues to the whole world. To love was special because their spouses were safe places. We have lost what it means to be safe places for each other because we are too busy competing. How do we get back to that? How can we invite that type of affection to the 

Psychological Safety

Nowadays, we are all too busy with the idea of being perfect that we have to highlight the flaws of the opposite sex, not just for entertainment, but for validation. Dating and maintaining relationships are difficult because honesty is not rewarded. A man can’t talk through his emotions because he’ll be called sassy. Women want that soft era, but they're afraid their kindness will get abused so they're guarded and more masculine. The psychological safety between men and women is close to extinction. Psychological Safety is defined as the belief that one can express oneself without facing punishment or ridicule.  A man will provide and endure because he was conditioned to do so. A woman was told to be welcoming and not add to a man's stress, to be mindful of her tone when expressing her concerns. The home was a sanctuary, but it's more like a chess board in today's setting. How many of us listen just to respond? This is love, not a pay-per-view UFC match, so why are we all expert counter punchers?

Social Roles

Older generations may have benefited from clearer roles as couples. Too many moving parts in today's relationships set the table for more disagreements than in the past. I'm not saying we should go back to that model of living, but we do need to take more pride in whatever part we are playing. Big Momma cooked and Grandpa worked 2-3 jobs, and they made it work. They didn't criticizethe other and tell them how they should go about managing their roles. They accepted what the other brought to the table because the real enemy was outside the walls of their homes. Commitment, teamwork, and forgiveness shaped the lives of our elders. Perfection wasn't the goal, respect was. No one had Google to mediate their disagreements. They listened and made the adjustments necessary to keep love alive. 

How to love

Now I’m not a relationship guru, but I think I can offer some help to those who may need it. We have access to more resources today and we shouldn't waste these on bashing our counterparts. In fact, we need to be more curious about what we should do to uplift and protect each other. Ladies, men are more in tuned with our emotions than you think. We don't speak about them much, because most of us are driven by finding our own solutions. That's why try to problem solve when you vent to us about your day. But, when the opportunity arrives and we come clean about what we are feeling; listen, do not try to solve our problem, do not remember it just to use it against us later. We find value in loyalty and progress. Hold our secrets and support our visions. Fellas, she isn't spoiled, your delivery was sub-par. And even when you improve your communication skills, she will still ask questions to CONFIRM your leadership, not question your manhood. Check in on her without her coming to you to vent, and do not solve the problem. Just listen and humor her, she’ll remember those moments forever. 

Let's work on getting that old thing back today. Quiet those external voices and whether you're dating or in a relationship try to see beyond the podcasts and streaming topics. Not every man or woman is the same so let's not overly generalize and assume. 

Lead with love and happiness is sure to follow.

P. Phelps